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The Ramblings of a mad Arab

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Tuesday, March 15th, 2011
5:56 pm - 10 minute play
The Thought Is Not A Crime


{Setting- Brandon and Phil’s Apartment. Phil is present.}

(Brandon enters)

Phil
Bitch.

Brandon
Whore. So when did you get up?

Phil
Crack o’ noon.

Brandon
Damn you’re inspiring.

Phil
Like fucking Patton. Besides, you shouldn’t be throwing stones mister. You can’t even find your own apartment lately.

Brandon
I could find it if I wanted to. Why would I want to see your slobbish ass when I’ve got greener pastures elsewhere?

Phil
Grazing the pasture again last night were we?

Brandon
Yep.

Phil
Get any?

Brandon
Of course not. She doesn’t want to be in a relationship.

Phil
Sucks to be you.

Brandon
Yeah, but what are ya gonna do?


Phil
I’m going to continue doing nothing.

Brandon
The few, the proud, the lazy.

Phil
I prefer slacker. It sounds cooler.

Brandon
Yeah, that’ll do it.

Phil
That’s why I get the chicks.

Brandon
Yeah, you fucking wish.

Phil
Yes, yes I do.

(Brandon’s phone rings)

Brandon
(On the phone) Hello? Just got back from class. Come over in a bit. Ok, see you later. (Hangs up.) Fucking Christ.

Phil
Telemarketer?

Brandon
No, worse, Paul. He kept calling while I was in class. He keeps needing me to find him something to do.

Phil
Well, if he ever got off his ass he’d find something himself.

Brandon
Yeah, you’re one to talk.

Phil
Hey, I move occasionally.

Brandon
Children. Anyway, I’m gonna go grab some food.

Phil
I’ll be here if you need me.

Brandon
Yeah, that’ll happen.
(Brandon exits. A brief time passes. Erin enters.)

Phil
Hey Erin, what’s up?

Erin
Aren’t we going to the show?

Phil
It was a rhetorical question.

Erin
Oh. Is Brandon around?

Phil
He’ll be back. He’s just getting a burger or something.

Erin
Oh.

Phil:
So… How’ve you been?

Erin
I lost two more pounds… But I’m even further in debt.

Phil
At least you’re not lonely at home.

Erin
I guess.

Phil
So that’s, what, the fifth time in two weeks?

Erin
Something like that. He’s been over a lot hasn’t he?

Phil
What does Ben think about it?

Erin
I don’t know.

Phil
Cause you haven’t told him?

Erin
Something like that.

Phil
You know this’ll end badly.

Erin
I hope not.

Phil
Spineless as they may be, they won’t put up with being strung along forever.

Erin
I’m not doing that am I?

Phil
You’re going to have to choose.

Erin
I don’t know if I can do that.

Phil
If you can’t make up your mind, you have to stop letting them spend the night.

Erin
It’s not like I’m sleeping with them.

Phil
It doesn’t matter. Until you can pick between the two, it only makes things worse.

Erin
I know, and I feel bad about it. But I really don’t know how to choose. I mean, Brandon’s smart and funny and sweet, but I really like Ben. They both have a lot of positives… I just don’t know about the negatives.


Phil
Like what?


Erin
Well sometimes I think Brandon is judging me. I’m afraid to say anything stupid because I don’t want him to be disappointed in me. And Ben isn’t that bright and he smokes too much weed.

Phil
And you’re complaining about that to me?

Erin
That’s different. I don’t care if you get high.

Phil
Then why do you care if he does?

Erin
If he did it every now and then I wouldn’t care but he does it way too much.

Phil
You’re going to have to choose eventually. Better sooner than later.

Erin
I suppose.

(Paul enters.)

Phil
Hey Paul, how’s it going?

Paul
Alright. (To Erin) What are you doing here?

Erin
Nice to see you too, dick.

Paul
It’s a legitimate question.

Erin
I’m coming along.

Paul
(To Phil) Did you invite her?

Erin
Who invited you?


Phil
I don’t seem to recall this being an exclusive thing.

Paul
Lighten up woman. It’s not like I called you fat or anything.

Erin
That’s mean.

Paul
Oh come on now. You’re not fat anymore.

Phil
Hey now.

Erin
You’re pretty tubby there yourself, dickhead.

Paul
I said you weren’t fat. I was being nice. You’re the one that insulted me.

Phil
That’s enough.

Paul
Why?

Erin
Because I’ll kick your ass.

Paul
You try and I’ll slap the shit out of you.

Erin
Fine, I’ll get someone else to do it.

Paul
Who? Phil can’t help you and Brandon won’t fight me. You gonna get that Ben guy to take a swing at me?

Phil
Knock it off!


Erin
Maybe I will.

Paul
He’d get his ass kicked and he knows it. You’ll have to fuck him good and hard to agree to that beating.

(Brandon enters)

Brandon
Hi Erin.

Paul
(To Brandon) What does you’re not fat anymore mean to you?

Erin
Fuck you!

(Erin exits)

Brandon
What was that?

(Brandon exits)

Phil
Smooth.

Paul
Big deal. The bitch had it coming.

Phil
I’m sure Brandon will understand that.

Paul
Like I care about his limp-dick opinion. The man needs to grow a set of balls. It’s two chicks and one guy, it doesn’t work the other way around.

Phil
Did you have to do it now? Couldn’t you have waited a few hours before ruining the evening? Socially awkward isn’t the way I wanted to spend the whole night.

(Brandon enters)
Brandon
What the fuck was that all about?

Paul
I wasn’t going to spend any more time with that crazy broad than I had to. We’re better off without her.

Brandon
Get the fuck out of here before I hit you.

Paul
Fine, be a little bitch.

(Paul exits)

Phil
What happened?

Brandon
She said that Paul is going to have to watch his back and then drove off. What the hell did he say to her?

Phil
She thought he called her fat.

Brandon
What did he say?

Phil
He said she wasn’t fat anymore.

Brandon
What an ass. What’s his problem?

Phil
Poor impulse control.

Brandon
Now what the fuck am I going to do?

Phil
Find a hoochie to pine after.

Brandon
Yeah, cause my luck with women is so stellar.

Phil
Sometimes you need pass on rock and go with scissors.

Brandon
But rock smash.


Phil
Yes, rock does indeed smash, but I’ve found that sex requires more of a stabbing motion than a smashing motion.

Brandon
Fuck! Just fuck! What the hell am I gonna do now?

Phil
Come on rock, let’s go to the bar and drink until we can’t feel feelings anymore.

Brandon
Yeah… why not?

(Brandon and Phil exit)


The End

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Friday, March 27th, 2009
9:17 pm - man-ay-jo three
Ever been the third wheel in a three-way?

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Wednesday, December 31st, 2008
6:50 pm - Manners
Does anyone else remember when it was considered rude to not return messages?

current mood: anxious

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Sunday, November 30th, 2008
2:36 am - Love for all
There's absolutely no reason this shouldn't be a reality.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OLpfHNuhZbk

current mood: Teary eyed

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Thursday, November 20th, 2008
9:17 am - because people on facebook might read it if i post this there
Why do I, a man, (who hasn't even had sex in forever so he's in no danger of becoming an unwanted father) have to defend a woman's right to choose from other women? Why do women hate each other so much? What the fuck is that all about?

current mood: aggravated

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Sunday, October 26th, 2008
4:42 pm - costume
Does anybody have any ideas for a low effort costume for a bald guy with a van dyke (gotee plus mustache)?

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Friday, August 15th, 2008
2:48 pm - My latest poem
Looking into your eyes is staring at the sun,
Blinded by beauty, yet I cannot turn away
For in your light all that I am is undone
And I'm left speechless for the words I meant to say.

Helplessly drawn to you though I'm burned by your flame,
A price I will always gladly purchase for you
Knowing fully that the wind can never be tame
Regardless of the mountains I move to pursue.

But the stars would shine bright and bolder in the night,
The Forests deeper, skies higher, darker the sea,
And the air forever aroma'd with delight
If only that this nymph should choose to dance with me.

current mood: hopeful

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Tuesday, May 6th, 2008
11:29 pm - duh
How to Win a Fight With a Conservative is the ultimate survival guide for political arguments

My Liberal Identity:

You are a Reality-Based Intellectualist, also known as the liberal elite. You are a proud member of what’s known as the reality-based community, where science, reason, and non-Jesus-based thought reign supreme.

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Saturday, April 26th, 2008
9:13 pm - this is why i hate you
I am without words about this. The anger is palpable within me. you are all fucking hypocrites. I think, and say quite loudly, that you should be able to smoke in bars so why don't any of you fucking say anything about this?

http://ap.google.com/article/ALeqM5h3B3x4_UQedX-vvWm3cQMTXI_d1gD909OP700

current mood: angry

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Thursday, October 18th, 2007
7:17 pm - costume
for the first time ever, i'm considering actually donning some kind of costume for the ween. but i need suggestions, the simpler and the more obscure the better. (remember i'm bald and have a gotee (okay, it's really a Van Dyke))

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Thursday, August 30th, 2007
12:12 pm - A bunch of hokey religions and ancient weapons ain't no match for a good blaster at your side, kid.
it begins
http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/07/26/us_army_gets_raygun/

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Friday, July 13th, 2007
1:18 am - I hate sauerkraut
If you'd like to make a call, please hang up and try again.
If you need help, hang up and then dial your operator... In Albuquerque

current mood: Nathaniel and Superfly

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Monday, June 25th, 2007
11:02 pm - the good life
full of thc, full of pizza, full of sleeping pills, what a night.

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Wednesday, June 20th, 2007
12:50 am - my new favorite singer
I don't endorse someone unless I know they're good, check her out.

http://www.brookeramel.com/

current mood: thoughtful

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Tuesday, June 12th, 2007
11:22 pm - how did i know i'd get the virgin card?


You are The Hermit


Prudence, Caution, Deliberation.


The Hermit points to all things hidden, such as knowledge and inspiration,hidden enemies. The illumination is from within, and retirement from participation in current events.


The Hermit is a card of introspection, analysis and, well, virginity. You do not desire to socialize; the card indicates, instead, a desire for peace and solitude. You prefer to take the time to think, organize, ruminate, take stock. There may be feelings of frustration and discontent but these feelings eventually lead to enlightenment, illumination, clarity.


The Hermit represents a wise, inspirational person, friend, teacher, therapist. This a person who can shine a light on things that were previously mysterious and confusing.


What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.



current mood: blah

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Saturday, June 9th, 2007
11:54 pm - Madeline Kahn's lament
i'm tired
i'm tired of being dirt fucking poor
i'm tired of thinking at least Raskolnikov had love
i'm tired of oatmeal for breakfast, lunch, and dinner
i'm tired of being sober
i'm tired of my non-stargate "friends" ignoring my existence
i'm tired of no one returning my phone calls
if i'm that much of a bother why were you friends with me in the first place
i'm tired of being angry and depressed
i'm tired of this life
i'm tired of your lives
i'm tired of being a whiny teenager
i'm sad that you all have gotten old around me
most of all, fuck you

current mood: bitchy

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Tuesday, May 15th, 2007
2:13 pm - Ding Dong the witch is dead
one down, two billion to go
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18679412/

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2:58 am - neverending soda....
Turn around
Look at what you see
In her face
The mirror of your dreams
Make believe I'm everywhere
Hidden in the lines
Written on the pages
Is the answer to our never ending story
ah ah ah

Reach the stars
Fly a fantasy
Dream a dream
And what you see will be
Rhymes that keep their secrets
Will unfold behind the clouds
And there upon a rainbow
Is the answer to our never ending story
ah ah ah

Show no fear
For she may fade away
In your hand
The birth of a new day
Rhymes that keep their secrets
Will unfold behind the clouds
And there upon a rainbow
Is the answer to our Never ending story...
ah ah ah
Never ending story...
ah ah ah
Never ending story.

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12:10 am - newish poem
-How doth thy arrogance grow?

How doth thy arrogance grow
For thee to demand a stone to show
A boast that thou was among the living
And demand a handsome tithe of weeping
Did thou live a worthy royal life
Maker or destroyer of immortal strife
Was thou ever named great Ozymandias
Why think thee worthy of remembrance thus
Art the bids and beasts to have such stones
Instead of inherited pyres of bare laid bones
I dare not think that I should have such night
A looming tarnish over my shining bright
Forgive my foolish foul forebodings
Accept this offering of understanding weeping
With this stone a part of time’s river I shall dam
For thou was once, and for now I am

current mood: i wish i was high

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Tuesday, April 24th, 2007
5:15 pm - fairy tales
just that we're having this conversation makes me smile.

http://www.thenation.com/doc/20070507/nichols

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